From today's financial news:

Representatives of the International Monetary Fund, the European Commission and the European Central Bank are attempting to persuade the Irish Government to accept a handout of tens of billions of euros. The Irish Prime Minister Brian Cowen says, thanks a million, but no one needs a handout just now.

Editorial comment:

So look, Eurobanking-guys. If all that money's burning a hole in your pockets, just give it to me. I'll pop it in a savings account, earn interest and everything. Honest, you know... Just trying to help out.

Other news stories:

Scientists in CERN have succeeded in trapping 38 atoms of anti-matter, long considered mere science fiction, but now clearly serious enough for us to mention here in the studio. Physicists believe that holding on to anti-hydrogen [pause for graphic of flying billiard balls with no labels and definitely no, like, equations] for a sixth of a second will reveal the secrets of the creation of the universe. But now, back to the major news story of the day: Speculation is rife as to what colour tie Prince William will wear on his wedding day. Over now to our royal correspondent...


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