MISSED OPPORTUNITY

This will make sense only to television viewers in the UK - excluding those who confine themselves to properly intellectual programmes.

I seriously considered ringing in to the XFactor with a question for Louis Walsh, which would go like this: Louis, I'm 53 years old, I've got long hair, I've trained in karate since I was a teenager... and I can't sing a bloody note. Can you make me a star?

The bad news is my opportunity is history; the good news is, so is Wagner! No offence (especially since he's been missing his cats), but my money's on Matt all the way, with Cher in 2nd place.

I shall now resume my normal position of curmudgeonly disdain for populist telly...